JIM CREES: Don't touch those graham crackers!!!

When I was a kid, we would occasionally enjoy a special treat at home — graham crackers and milk.

I’m not sure if this was a precursor to modern day commercial cereals. It’s not like we didn’t have cereal in the Crees house.

I wonder if it wasn’t something my dad enjoyed, and we got to enjoy as well? My dad enjoyed eating some weird things and we kids often got to share “the pleasure.”

For example, my dad’s idea of a fine breakfast meal was a slice or two of bread fried in bacon grease. Full stop. Bread fried in bacon grease.

Yummmmm ... I guess.

He also enjoyed chomping down on a raw potato on occasion. I’ve never been able to figure that one out.

Then there was his enjoyment of tomatoes sprinkled with sugar, and watermelon dusted with salt.

I ... just don’t know.

I do remember enjoying graham crackers and milk.

Until today.

It was with no little sadness and trepidation I recently read that graham crackers were Satanic.

Yes. Satanic.

The American Decency Association has determined that an advertisement for graham crackers that features a family with same-sex parents is simply proof that Satan is using the crisp cookie-like goodies to lure children into fulfilling “an evil agenda.”

Sigh.

We barely survived the Girl Scout-cookies-promote-lesbianism scare, and here we are finding out that graham crackers are actually a tool of the Devil as well.

I’m worried. What’s next?

Could Cheerios be leading us into eternal darkness because the circle might hold a pentagram?

And what about Captain Kangaroo? Have you seen his haircut???

An advertisement for Honey Maid Graham Crackers featured a family with two moms, and touted graham crackers as a wholesome snack. Now, while I might take umbrage with the idea that a modern graham cracker is “wholesome,” I quite frankly never even noticed the same-sex couple.

That, I guess, is simply an example of my liberal blinders, but the Decency Association people are right on top of things.

“Satan wants us to see sin as normal and not so bad,” they said. “ Honey Maid and others are putting two moms in a same-sex relationship. They are making two dads to seem normal.”

Interesting enough, what I previously considered “innocent” graham crackers aren’t new to odd and somewhat prurient thinking. Ironically enough, while today, the simple biscuit is a “tool of Satan” they once-upon-a-time were designed to be a tool in the fight against Satan.

Sylvester Graham, of graham cracker fame, was a Presbyterian minister who invented this snack-ish food to be part of a diet he thought would counteract and balance an overabundance of sinful carnal desires. The good reverend spent a lot of time preaching on the sin of ... er ... um ... self-abuse, and drew a direct connection between eating unhealthy snack foods and sinful desires.

Graham crackers were originally unsweetened. They were pretty bland, not at all unlike the life Rev. Graham and his counterpart John Kellogg thought their neighbors should be living.

Graham crackers and Kellogg’s corn flakes were considered good food in fighting the Devil and Satanic sexual urges.

Today ... well ... not so much, I guess.

Those graham crackers can get you pretty fired up, or at least the ads for them will — and not in the way folks at the Decency Association would think appropriate.

It’s kind of sad that the good folk who have taken responsibility for the moral guardianship of this country should be so ... enthusiastic ... as to find graham crackers a ‘tool of Satan.”

What’s more sad is that there are so many so-called “tools of Satan” being suddenly discovered today.

The Oscar-winning children’s movie Frozen is supposedly an subliminal invitation to the kids of this country to run screaming into the embrace of homosexuality ... and worse!!!. (I am being cynical, by the way.)

One right-wing radio program host, Steve Vaughn, asked: “If I was the Devil what would I do to really foul up an entire social system ...?”

His answer? Create movies like Frozen “ ... that make sin look enticing.”

Sigh.

My daughter lives in NYC. There are people living and visiting in that city who won’t go to the Central Park Zoo ‘cause “the penguins are gay.” (No. I can’t make this stuff up.)

I’ve been to that zoo a number of times. The penguins don’t seem too gay. (Although I’m not sure how a gay penguin should be acting.)

One of the TeleTubbies is supposedly gay, and SpongeBob is purportedly “ ... a little gay.” SpongeBob apparently spends too much time hanging out with Patrick — the starfish — and even holding his hand.

The good folks at Focus on the Family have determined that SpongeBob is a “pro-homosexual video and program.”

Wow!!!

Really folks? Really??!!?

It’s sad that because of a sad, obsessive personal belief, graham crackers ... or SpongeBob ... or penguins have become a “tool of Satan?”

And even more sad is the fact that some still believe a person’s choice of spouse could be in itself “Satanic.”

I think we REALLY need to calm down.