I guess I’m simply not a “real man.”

I remember — Back In The Day — when Super Bowl advertisements were a hoot.

Talking frogs. Slapstick doofusses. All kinds of stuff designed  to produce a good giggle.

It was fun.

More and more it would appear that “fun” doesn’t sell nearly as good as ... sex.

I, nevertheless, still opt for “funny” rather than “sleazy.”

Here’s the deal.

I realize that sex has always been a good seller of just about any product. Remember the old tool calendars that used to hang in the local garage? Or the Varga pinup girls?

Now, I would hope I’m not too much a prude. I’m getting older, but I’m not THAT old.

Still, one commercial aired during the Super Bowl really got me going.

In an ad for Teleflora, Adriana Lima is shown ever-so-slowly, and sensuously getting dressed.

She pulls on her black silk stockings. Attaches them carefully to her ribboned garter belt. Zips up her slinky black dress and faces the camera telling the boys:

“Guys, Valentine’s Day is not that complicated.”

She turns her back and with a classic “come hither” look continues:

“Give, and you shall receive.”

Really!??!

Are you kidding me?

This is what is not only produced, but also what is marketed as acceptable on Super Bowl Sunday.

Some astonishingly hot model whispering to boys  across this land:

“If you just give her something as fleeting and transitory as flowers, you’ll have her in the sack in a heartbeat.”

Not only that, but Adriana is also telling our daughters and granddaughters:

“Hey, Sweetie. Get ready. ‘Cause if you get flowers, you’re gonna need to give him something in return. And guess what, he’s not expecting a cup of coffee.”

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I implore you.

This is not only stupid, but it is degrading in every way.

Not only to women, but to guys as well.

Look, I have a daughter. I have a wife. I had a mother.

My mother taught me to do my own laundry and how to actually mend my own socks. (We did that once upon a time.)

Mother Crees taught her boys to take care of themselves — from cooking to cleaning house. It wasn’t a philosophical decision on her part.

She actually told me as I was learning to do laundry, “No son of mine will ever be a burden on his wife.”

Ouch!

But ... what she actually was teaching us was respect for the women in our lives.

I have nothing but respect for my wife. (Respect and so much more.) She is light years smarter than I, (except for the fact that I suspect she made a poor choice when it comes to life partner.) She is far more compassionate than I will ever hope to be — even with people who treat her like ... whatever.

She is a fine person.

I admire my daughter more than you can imagine.

She is ... incredible

To even try to compare the tawdry, demeaning parody of womanhood displayed by Teleflora through the pouty breathlessness of their spokesperson, Ms. Lima, to the real women in my life would be ridiculous.

To so obviously suggest that all it would take for some guy to climb into bed with a supermodel, or any other girl for that matter, is something as inconsequential as flowers, or jewelry, or a toaster for that matter, is just horrifying.

But ...this ad was carefully conceived, even more carefully vetted, and very strategically scheduled.

The Teleflora messages are clear.

First, they know this is the type of advertisement that speaks to the Super Bowl audience.

Second, they kinda hope the claims in their ad are true.

Teleflora wants your sons to know that all women are basically hookers — waiting for some payment for services renders.

Teleflora wants your daughters to understand that they better cinch up the garter belt, ‘cause even dinner and a movie (let alone flowers), requires some “payment.”

How sad that in this day and age, this is still the best they could do.

I hope the president of Teleflora doesn’t have a daughter. If he does, I hope she never gets flowers from a date.

Oh well.